Calm Isn’t the Same as Checked Out
How to Tell if You’re Regulating or Avoiding
Not all calm is created equal.
Some calm leaves you clearer, steadier, and more resourced.
Other calm leaves you numb, foggy, or vaguely unsettled.
On the outside, the behaviors can look identical.
A walk.
Scrolling.
A glass of wine.
An early bedtime.
Time alone.
But inside, something very different is happening.
And if you’ve ever thought, “Why do I still feel off even though I rested?” — this distinction matters. I talk more about this in "Why You Feel Guilty Resting".
Same Behavior, Different Relationship
One of the most confusing parts of self-care is that the what doesn’t always tell the full story.
Two women can take the same walk.
One walks to listen, breathe, and come back to herself.
The other walks to avoid a conversation she doesn’t want to have.
The action is the same.
The nervous system outcome is not.
This is why February isn’t about adding better habits.
It’s about changing how you relate to the habits you already have.
Regulation Brings You Back to Yourself
True regulation has a particular feel to it.
Afterward, you might notice:
A little more clarity
A little more capacity
A sense of being inhabited again
Not euphoric.
Not fixed.
Just more you.
Regulation doesn’t erase discomfort — it gives you the steadiness to stay present with it.
Avoidance Helps You Get Through (Until It Doesn’t)
Avoidance isn’t bad.
It’s protective.
It helps you survive moments that feel too much.
But when avoidance becomes the only strategy, it quietly trains your body to stay in emergency mode — even when you stop moving.
That’s when rest stops feeling restful.
That’s when calm feels thin or temporary.
That’s when guilt often shows up.
Not as a moral failure — but as a signal.
Guilt Is Information, Not an Instruction
Many women interpret guilt as something to push past.
But often, guilt is simply pointing to misalignment.
A gentle question to ask is:
Do I feel more resourced after this — or just temporarily distracted?
If the answer is “distracted,” nothing has gone wrong.
It’s just information.
Information that helps you listen more closely next time.
A Practice in Discernment
This week, instead of asking, “Is this good or bad for me?” try asking:
Am I choosing this to listen or to escape?
Do I feel more present afterward?
What am I avoiding noticing right now?
There are no wrong answers here.
Discernment grows through curiosity — not correction.
Why This Matters
If you’re someone who’s been pushing through for a long time, learning the difference between calm and checked out is a turning point.
Because once you can tell the difference, you can begin responding wisely instead of overriding yourself.
And that’s where real change starts.
An Invitation
If you’re realizing that many of your coping strategies help you get through — but don’t actually help you feel restored — support can help you learn a different way.
If you want help discerning what regulation looks like for you, I’d love to invite you into a 15-minute, no-pressure conversation.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
