Who Is "They," Anyway? How to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think
Who Is "They," Anyway?
Have you ever caught yourself saying something like this?
"I'd love to do that, but what would they think?"
Or...
"I can't post that. They might judge me."
Or maybe...
"I should probably do it this way because that's what they expect."
Can I ask you something?
Who is "they"?
Seriously.
If I stopped you right there and asked you to make a list, who would actually be on it?
Could you?
Sometimes "they" is a real person.
A boss.
A parent.
A friend whose opinion genuinely matters.
But I've noticed something interesting.
More often than not, "they" is a crowd we've created in our own minds.
A group of unnamed, faceless people we've given incredible authority over our decisions. Sometimes the opinions we carry become one of the heaviest rocks in our backpack. (read more in How did this Get so Heavy)
The Imaginary Committee
Years ago, I heard someone describe this as living for the approval of an imaginary committee.
I laughed because it felt so familiar.
Somehow we've invited people we've never identified into every major decision.
Should I start the business?
What will they think?
Should I wear this?
Will they judge me?
Should I speak up?
What if they disagree?
It's exhausting trying to please people who aren't even in the room. We often assign meaning to situations without realizing we're filling in the blanks. (read more about this in: The Meaning is Not Built In)
Do You Have Permission to Read Their Mind?
This is one of my favorite coaching questions, and I only use it when the moment is right.
Someone will tell me,
"I know they're disappointed in me."
Or...
"They probably think I'm failing."
And I'll gently ask,
"Do you have permission to read their mind?"
There's usually a pause.
A smile.
Sometimes a laugh.
Because the answer is obvious.
No.
We don't actually know what someone else is thinking.
We're filling in the blanks.
Then responding as though our assumptions were facts.
The Weight of Assumptions
Last week we talked about the backpack we all carry.
This week I'd like to suggest another rock we often add without realizing it:
Assumptions.
Not because assumptions are always wrong.
But because we often mistake them for certainty.
And certainty is heavy.
When we assume everyone is judging us...
we carry that.
When we assume we'll disappoint people...
we carry that.
When we assume we have to earn everyone's approval...
we carry that too.
No wonder the backpack gets heavy.
There Is Another Voice
I'm not suggesting we ignore wise counsel.
Some opinions matter deeply.
The people who know us, love us, and want the best for us deserve to be heard.
But somewhere along the way, many of us have given the loudest microphone to voices we've never actually identified.
Maybe it's time to ask a different question.
Instead of,
"What will they think?"
What if we asked,
"Whose voice deserves to matter here?"
As a person of faith, that question brings me back to one voice above all others.
Not the loudest voice.
The truest one.
The One who already knows me completely and calls me loved before I accomplish a single thing.
When I remember whose opinion carries the greatest weight, the opinions of the imaginary committee begin to lose some of theirs.
Traveling Lighter
You don't have to spend your life trying to satisfy people you can't even name.
You don't have to give authority to voices you've never verified.
You don't have to let assumptions write your story.
Maybe this week, every time you hear yourself say,
"They'll probably think..."
Pause.
Take a breath.
And ask yourself:
Who is "they," anyway?
You might discover the backpack gets a little lighter the moment you stop carrying opinions that were never actually spoken.
A Question for This Week
The next time you catch yourself saying,
"People probably think..."
pause and ask:
Do I have enough information to know that's true?
If the answer is no...
perhaps it's a rock you don't have to keep carrying.
Continue the Conversation
If this article resonated with you, I'd love to continue the conversation.
Every Monday, I send Mindset Monday—a short email with 3 thoughts from me, 2 quotes to consider, and 1 reflection question designed to help you become more aware of the thoughts shaping your life and discover the freedom to become all you were created to be.
If you'd like thoughtful encouragement delivered straight to your inbox, you can subscribe here:
And if you're ready to unpack some of the weight you've been carrying, I'd be honored to walk alongside you through coaching.
